Living each day much muchier
Someone recently told me that I’m a fraud, arrogant, full of myself, judgmental and that most people don’t like me because I’m unlikable.
I tried to reject the words. I tried to put up a shield and deflect them. My brain knew they were extreme. They describe a total monster.
The words were poison missiles launched from someone I trusted and so they went straight into my core and burned me from the inside out.
I felt like I’d been gutted, shown my insides and told they were broken, ugly and unacceptable.
I fell apart. I couldn’t bounce back and couldn’t figure out why.
I was afraid.
Who isn’t scared that the real person deep inside is somehow broken and unlovable?
The nursery rhyme isn’t true though. The kings horses and men can put humpty together again, if you let them.
I went away for a weekend with friends and I didn’t feel like some arrogant, unlikable fiend. I was just me and I was one of the crew.
My closest friends held up their image of me like a mirror. There was no monster in that reflection. Just me, pretty much as I’d always thought and with some extra affection thrown in just to make sure I got the message.
Then, I had to trust myself. Other people’s views are important as reference points but they’re no substitute for confidence. What I think of myself matters.
I’m still working on that bit, but the next and last stage, I think, is accepting that there’s no perfect state of being. Growth and change are important, but we’re always going to be a combination of good and bad parts.
Peace is found in acceptance.
You don’t get confused and troubled because you are misguided, weak-willed or selfish, but because you are complex, thoughtful, fragile and – like everyone – slightly broken.
On falling apart at the office – The Book of Life