Living each day much muchier
Someone recently told me that I’m a fraud, arrogant, full of myself, judgmental and that most people don’t like me because I’m unlikable.
I tried to reject the words. I tried to put up a shield and deflect them. My brain knew they were extreme. They describe a total monster.
The words were poison missiles launched from someone I trusted and so they went straight into my core and burned me from the inside out.
I felt like I’d been gutted, shown my insides and told they were broken, ugly and unacceptable.
I fell apart. I couldn’t bounce back and couldn’t figure out why.
I was afraid.
Who isn’t scared that the real person deep inside is somehow broken and unlovable?
The nursery rhyme isn’t true though. The kings horses and men can put humpty together again, if you let them.
I went away for a weekend with friends and I didn’t feel like some arrogant, unlikable fiend. I was just me and I was one of the crew.
My closest friends held up their image of me like a mirror. There was no monster in that reflection. Just me, pretty much as I’d always thought and with some extra affection thrown in just to make sure I got the message.
Then, I had to trust myself. Other people’s views are important as reference points but they’re no substitute for confidence. What I think of myself matters.
I’m still working on that bit, but the next and last stage, I think, is accepting that there’s no perfect state of being. Growth and change are important, but we’re always going to be a combination of good and bad parts.
Peace is found in acceptance.
You don’t get confused and troubled because you are misguided, weak-willed or selfish, but because you are complex, thoughtful, fragile and – like everyone – slightly broken.
On falling apart at the office – The Book of Life
It depends on how the message is delivered.
Often, the only people that will say something like this is someone that you would class as an ‘enemy’ because they don’t care how you feel – while those who have the greatest right to say it – your friends – because they care most about you, will often not because people have an innate tendency to protect their friends’ feelings.
I have a mate (might I add, is Dutch) and he speaks the truth whether I want it or not – and I can tell you that there have been times when it has stung. Instead of feeling hurt or annoyed, I’ve immediately wondered why he said what he saida nd if there is any truth to it. Usually there was.
In your case – and admitting that we really are only acquaintances and not super-close buddies, so I wouldn’t know if you are a dedicated harridan at home or not… describing you in the terms listed above is not what I would use to describe you. I’d say that you have the potential to be like that but you keep it in check – but then, we all do. Some are better at controlling it than others.
Of those things listed above:
Do they make you a bad person? No.
Do they make you dishonest and dishonourable? No.
Are you truly unlikable? Absolute codswallop! YOU are only unlikable by people who cannot accept others in the world who differ from themselves (or rather, have opinions that may not be identical to their own).
From someone as judgmental as myself; who will tell you the truth if you ask the question; and would never try to groom you into doing something improper — you are a wonderful person (with a fanastic smile 🙂 ) – and definitely not someone to be crossed.
I think the words told you were misplaced.
Saying someone has potential or tendency toward certain traits is very different to claiming that’s the real person and everything else is fraudulent and a front. Angry or not, truthful or not, they were said to inflict the greatest damage possible.
Also, I’ve always wondered why holding certain ideas and beliefs makes people assume that you judge everyone who doesn’t think and act the same. It’s not an automatically applied principle.
The existence of blue doesn’t mean that blue thinks everyone ought to be blue and judges red and green for existing. Yet red might sit there seething that blue thinks he’s so damn royal blue but really, he could stand to be a lot more red. Doesn’t blue realise that red is all about fire and passion? What kind of a life is it to be blue?
In fact, do we ever really judge anyone or are we all just afraid of being judged and project that on other people?
Even a comment from a turd who seeks to hurt you can sometimes be worth something – even if the person who said it is not.
I am judged all the time. One of the reasons I had that long beard in the 90’s was partially out of laziness as those who spoke to me freely were the kind who didn’t practice their pre-conceived ideas. I made it work a treat for years. Your beard might take a bit longer to grow 🙂
This is a topic that could go on forever because there are so many facets to it. I might claim that I don’t care what people think but there are times when I do — and it’s often the people I would gladly see in a secluded corner with my fist in the middle of their face