Living each day much muchier
Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is believing you’re worthy of the trip.
Do you look at yourself fairly? I mean, do you view yourself with as much kindness as you do criticism and as much admiration as consternation?
We’re trained early to focus on what we lack and to throw money at the problem. Feeling fat? Buy this diet/workout/self-help book. Feeling stressed? Buy this holiday package/spa treatment.
Sometimes it helps to limit your exposure to advertising. After turning off the tv, I started wearing my own style and doing what actually makes me happy.
Then again, all it took was a well-meaning conversation to bring the insecurity rushing back.
A friend asked if I had anyone on the love life radar. Had anyone shown any interest?
“Well, one phone number request when I was interstate. Otherwise nothing for, uh five months.”
After that conversation, I started wondering why. I mean, I’m not a hellmonster. I don’t turn men to stone and everything is pretty much where it’s supposed to be as far as looks are concerned.
I realised that I was the problem and no product could fix it.
The heart’s a tricky thing. Here I am surrounding myself with things I love and feeling good about myself yet I am still being completely mean when I imagine what others think.
“I’m too old (because, you know, 32 is near death). I’m too strange. I’m intimidating. I try to be one of the guys because I’m afraid I don’t compare as one of the girls.
In other words, I don’t consider myself worthy of pursuit. I take myself out of the running before anyone has the chance to consider it.
So, if I’m thinking ‘no, you don’t want me’, what signals am I giving out? If I’m busy with my phone or my drink or looking anywhere but someone’s eyes, I’m basically saying ‘don’t talk to me.’
It has everything to do with believing that who I am is worthy of attention and worthy of interest.
Worthy of pursuit, even.