Living each day much muchier
Love is not what you want, it is what you are. It is very important to not get these two confused.
Neale Donald Walsch
When I was a teenager, I was a very different kind of person. My old diaries are full of mistrust and theories. I spent a lot of time working out why people acted the way they did and unravelling the plots and intricacies of my social circle. I believed that people cared more about popularity than about other people. Apart from my best friend, Rose, I never got close to anyone and I still kept much of my thoughts and feelings from her. They all spilled out in pages and pages of diary prose instead.
I had no boyfriend and I didn’t want one. They were only ever after one thing anyway 😉 I had people I called friends but I didn’t believe they had my best interest at heart. There was always an ulterior motive. I saw in advance how everything would inevitably pan out … so why bother? There were a lot of reasons why I felt unloved and therefore could not allow my heart to love too deeply.
Of course love, more than anything else, became a craving… a starvation.
I can’t remember when exactly it was, but one day I had an epiphany.
My capacity to feel loved was in direct proportion to how much I allowed myself to love others. I had to love first and I had to love regardless of whether they’d ever give it back to me … to become what I wanted to receive.
It’s only when I knew the joy of giving love first that I found it worth whatever pain came with it. Even if I saw the pain in advance, it was worth walking boldly into love because love itself was worthy.
When love is sourced from inside you, the warmth of it remains even if someone takes theirs away. After all, someone else’s love cannot sustain you. Love is not what you want, it is what you are.